Hairy times

We're obviously delighted with Saturday's win, but we're trying to keep our feet on the ground. We've still got one hand on a playoff place, but before the season is done we want to have two hands on a Premier League place. I think all of us can agree that we need to improve our fullback play, which was woeful at times during the Boro game, but all in all I think it was a superb battling performance from the lads. A lot of our guys were happy to meet up again with Willo, he says he's much better now but most of the lads agree that he still looks very ill indeed.

People often ask me, "Mark, who the hairiest player the club?". For me, it has to be Gabor. He may not look the hairiest from the otuside, but underneath the shirt and shorts is the body of a hill ape. You might think I'm exaggerating but believe me, the guy is hairier than a lift home from the pub with Ross McCormack.

It's a little known fact that before every first team match he shaves his arms, legs and face. He normally gets one of the academy lads to do his back.

One funny incident I remember from late last season was an away trip to Selhurst Park. Gabor was taking part in his pre-match shave in the showers. Chopra made a comment to me that Gabor's hair looked a lot more matted and tangled than usual. I had to agree and we all knew what this meant, it meant that Gabor and his wife were having troubles again. His wife normally does all the grooming you see, and without grooming, his hair gets very messy indeed. Poor Gabor did ask the unfortunate Eddie J to "comb him over" but he point blank refused. "I aint doin' that. Period." said Eddie in his Yankee drawl. Eddie was always doing that. Talking in an American accent. Mad bastard!

Anyway, a couple of goals from Ross and a visit to hospital for Roger later (elbow in the throat from Claude Davis, but you've got to accept that, Claude is that type of player) we've won the game 2-0. A succesful match some might say...

However, when we got back in the changing rooms we immediately knew something was wrong, we could all smell raw sewage. The gaffer, thinking nothing of it, began his post-match team talk, when in stormed Neil Warnock with a towel around his waist, flanked by his two goons Claude Davis and Shefqi Kuqi. Warnock was furious. He looked quite laughable wearing a bright yellow shower cap and holding a shower brush.

"What the f**k have you f**king f**ks been doing in here!?" he screamed. "The whole c**ting plumbing system is f**king f**ked. There's raw f**king sewage f**king backing up through the f**king showers and there's f**king hair everywhere..."

At that moment Warnock glanced over to Gabor who had already begun undressing. Neil's tirade stopped dead, his eyes full of rage, he pointed at Gabor and screamed "GET HIM!". Kuqi and Davis rushed towards the giant Hungarian. Gabor yelped, startled, you could see in his eyes that he knew he was in trouble. Only his team mates could help him now.

Quick as a flash Steve McPhail kicked a wheeled cleaning bucket square across the changing room floor. The bucket was picked up by an on-rushing Michael Chopra who threw the recepticle onto Davis' head. The towering Jamaican international disorientated for a second, slipped and landed with a thud on the floor. He was out cold. It was incredible vision from Stevie Mac. Chops explained later that something similar had happened in a League Cup tie whilst the two were both at Barnsley.

By this point Tom Heaton had Shefki Kuqi in a headlock and the two were grappling on the floor. "Lads!", I shouted, "We need to get out of here!

"Over here, I've found a way out!" shouted Gavin Rae pointing at a sky-light. Needless to say, we ignored the former Rangers and Scotland interntional and used the back door to exit Selhurst Park instead, swarming onto the team coach, many of us still in our full team kit. Kevin McNaughton however was just wearing a pair of Dangermouse y-fronts, but that was nothing new, he always travelled to and from games like that.

Using my years of experience picked up at clubs such as Liverpool and Republic of Ireland I was the last man out of the dressing room. I looked back to see a gaggle of Palace players windmilling into Tom Heaton. Shaun Derry and Clint Hill being the main culprits. Heaton screamed at me "SAVE YOURSELVES! LEAVE ME!". I needed no second invitation. I slammed the door behind me and jumped onto the team coach. "GO! GO! GO!" I yelled at Gavin Rae as he wheelspinned the bus out of the Palace car park.

We never saw poor Tom again.

Anyway, onto more pressing and important matters! Steve Borley is flying over to Malaysia on Monday to attempt to secure funding from a consortium who are apparently interest in buying the club. When overhearing a conversation regarding the Malaysians, Tony G made a comment about preferring salad cream that Darcy hooked onto immediately. He was ribbing Tony about it all the way through Tuesday training. Needless to say, Tony didn't see the funny side, so Tony G picked young Darcy up and let him hanging from a coat-hook in the changing rooms. He was there for hours and was only let down when Sean and a couple of the fitness team took pity on him.

That's Tony all over though, whether it's shaving his initials into Gabor's left buttock or hiding Kevin McNaughton's y-fronts (that led to quite a disconcerting away trip to Barnsley) you can be sure Tony is at the centre of it. Scousers eh!

Cardiff City play Ipswich Town at Portman Road on Tuesday evening. Kick off 7:45pm